Ever since I was young I felt that if I exposed my true thoughts or feelings it was a sign of weakness. Then I realized that it was fear. Fear of being rejected. My family wasn't very open and when I showed my feelings I felt like I would get slapped on the hand like "no we don't share things like that." If that makes sense?
It wasn't until recently that I realized just how guarded I am. I was in my small group (which are 5 girls from my revival group that meet) and the leader started asking questions I had never thought of until then. She asked, "how do you look at leadership at Bethel?" I answered with - "Im so excited I am to be under someone and ready to be lead." I explained that back at my home church my sister is the assistant youth pastor and I never had someone who was directly over me. I always felt like everyone thought I was just like her. To be under someone was a new experience that I was excited for. The next question was "Have I ever been hurt by leadership or how do I guard myself from being hurt?" Before I could even think about what I was going to say my heart answered for me. "With leadership I always have a guard up so even if they try to hurt me I will never get hurt" ... My mind started freaking out saying why would you ever say that! Then I realized that that was the truth. I never had ever thought about that. Until I said it out loud it didn't become real. The third question that messed me up was, "Is it just with leaders or is it with everyone?" Same thing like before, my mouth started answering before I could even think. I answered "With everyone." My heart kinda dropped thinking that I was going to get looked at weird for being honest. But instead I was looked at with comforting eyes. Like 20 billion layers were torn off just then. I'm thinking how could I ever reveal a piece of my heart like that!! It was clearly Abba tearing off my layers. These are girls I don't really know and it is so hard for me to talk about personal things if I have not built trust with someone. Even then thats hard for me. It was like new revelation to me. Its okay to share my heart and show my heart. Its okay to have feelings and experience them.
I am learning how to guard my heart but be able to be transparent with people. Its an interesting concept to try to grasp. Love people how abba loves them and forgive the people for the hurt they might not have even done yet. I hope this makes sense.
Most of the time we are told that we can not show feelings or emotions. So we stuff them down on the inside. Jason Vallaton was speaking in class and told a story of how he met a boy who said he could not feel anymore. While this boy was young his father hurt him emotionally and ever since then said he would never feel anything. The boy said that if he was getting beat up in an alley he would not fight back. He justified this by saying "if you fight back then that means you have something to protect, and if you have something to protect then you have feelings." What Jason V. did was say close your eyes and ask the Holy Spirit to show you where you put your feelings. He asked the whole class to do this. I did and Holy spirit showed me a attic with boxes full of crap and dust with spiderwebs all over them. One of the boxes in the very back had the word "feelings" on it. Jason said it was very easy to put the feelings back in place. Ask the Holy spirit, "Please help me put these feelings and emotions back to where they are suppose to be" We did that and as soon as that happened all of these emotions came flooding back. All the anger, sadness, hurt that I stuffed down, to never experience, it all came back.
Your not suppose tostuff your emotions down but to deal with everything thats on the inside. It was amazing and I was able to deal with the things that had been there for years. It was awesome!
I challenge you to ask Holy Spirit where you put your feelings and see what he says. Soooo... yeah I hope you understood what I was trying to say. =)
It wasn't until recently that I realized just how guarded I am. I was in my small group (which are 5 girls from my revival group that meet) and the leader started asking questions I had never thought of until then. She asked, "how do you look at leadership at Bethel?" I answered with - "Im so excited I am to be under someone and ready to be lead." I explained that back at my home church my sister is the assistant youth pastor and I never had someone who was directly over me. I always felt like everyone thought I was just like her. To be under someone was a new experience that I was excited for. The next question was "Have I ever been hurt by leadership or how do I guard myself from being hurt?" Before I could even think about what I was going to say my heart answered for me. "With leadership I always have a guard up so even if they try to hurt me I will never get hurt" ... My mind started freaking out saying why would you ever say that! Then I realized that that was the truth. I never had ever thought about that. Until I said it out loud it didn't become real. The third question that messed me up was, "Is it just with leaders or is it with everyone?" Same thing like before, my mouth started answering before I could even think. I answered "With everyone." My heart kinda dropped thinking that I was going to get looked at weird for being honest. But instead I was looked at with comforting eyes. Like 20 billion layers were torn off just then. I'm thinking how could I ever reveal a piece of my heart like that!! It was clearly Abba tearing off my layers. These are girls I don't really know and it is so hard for me to talk about personal things if I have not built trust with someone. Even then thats hard for me. It was like new revelation to me. Its okay to share my heart and show my heart. Its okay to have feelings and experience them.
I am learning how to guard my heart but be able to be transparent with people. Its an interesting concept to try to grasp. Love people how abba loves them and forgive the people for the hurt they might not have even done yet. I hope this makes sense.
Most of the time we are told that we can not show feelings or emotions. So we stuff them down on the inside. Jason Vallaton was speaking in class and told a story of how he met a boy who said he could not feel anymore. While this boy was young his father hurt him emotionally and ever since then said he would never feel anything. The boy said that if he was getting beat up in an alley he would not fight back. He justified this by saying "if you fight back then that means you have something to protect, and if you have something to protect then you have feelings." What Jason V. did was say close your eyes and ask the Holy Spirit to show you where you put your feelings. He asked the whole class to do this. I did and Holy spirit showed me a attic with boxes full of crap and dust with spiderwebs all over them. One of the boxes in the very back had the word "feelings" on it. Jason said it was very easy to put the feelings back in place. Ask the Holy spirit, "Please help me put these feelings and emotions back to where they are suppose to be" We did that and as soon as that happened all of these emotions came flooding back. All the anger, sadness, hurt that I stuffed down, to never experience, it all came back.
Your not suppose to
I challenge you to ask Holy Spirit where you put your feelings and see what he says. Soooo... yeah I hope you understood what I was trying to say. =)
Some of my amazing roommates
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