Fight or Flight

There comes a time when a relationship starts to become deep and more intimate. When that happens I became introverted and backed off slowly, then would run away. This was my life story.

Anytime anyone got to close and was able to see the real me, that was to far in my book. It was with friends, guys, and even family. I could honestly say that no one knew me, and I was perfectly fine with that. When my sister would tell me she knew me, I would kind of laugh on the inside and think "you know what I want you to know." Sounds weird, but I was so proud that no one knew the "real" me. I didn't realize that it was just because I didn't know the "real" me, or who I was. I had no definition of who I was. I was what anyone wanted me to be.

Until I got here, I had never had a true deep connection or relationship with someone. Within the first couple weeks of school they dealt with your feelings, emotions, and who God has called you. That really opened up my eyes to community and people around you. God has made us for fellowship and connections with people. I was thinking "why have I been trying to hide who I am from everyone?" The reason came down to me putting up protection to keep people from hurting me. One of the biggest things I dealt with was having people misunderstand me, and if they find out who the real me was, that they would reject me. After learning that I am freaking awesome whether people can see that or not (haha!), I learned that you have to keep God in the God Spot. Sometimes we will put friends, family, or people in the God spot and that is where things get all messed up. If you have God in His spot then you are solely receiving from Him, Who you are, what He calls you, and constantly receiving love which you are then able to give out to people. When people don't have God in His spot one thing they can become is clingy. They want to try to be connected to your hip because they are looking for something or someone to sustain them.

Once I understood this, it was like my connections with all of my friends grew deeper. They weren't just surface level. We started on a journey to truly know each other and be there with them through whatever. I want to fight for the relationship's I get into. I'm not gonna run away in fear of how they might hurt me. One of the amazing things my RG pastor said was " I have already forgiven you for the hurt you haven't even done yet." The hurt that you haven't done yet will not effect me or the relationship I have with you. This is not just with friends, I have made it a point to have healthy relationships with guys and whenever I do start to date.

 Being skillful in guarding your heart but being transparent with people.

I am so thankful for the friends and people Abba has put in my life. They are truly amazing! For me this is just the beginning.

 

Side-note:

I want you to stop and think, if you could ask God one question that he would answer what would it be?

Almost 90% of people would have questions about "Who am I?" "What have you called me to do?" 

Everyone wants to know what there purpose is and why they are here. Your identity. Unless you are find your identity in who He has called you to be, people find it in everything else. Ask Holy Spirit what Abba thinks of you. See what he says. 

I am the most unsaved christian you have probably met....

If you’ve read my previous posts, you will learn that I am rebellious person. I don’t like to go with the flow.  When someone tells me something must be done this way, I automatically question why that is.  I don’t like religion, tradition, or doing things just because that is what I’m told to do.

Before I learned that my innate rebellion is a good thing that God created in me, I hated the world and rebelled just to rebel. As I grew and went into high school, I toned it down a bit. Not because I didn't want to go out and party and try all the things others were doing; I was afraid. Afraid of ruining my family’s name, or that God would punish me, or that I would ruin my life. My choices were not my own, they were motivated by fear and shame -- not power and freedom.

A few years later, I graduated from high school and went to school in Redding, California. It was there, that I started to learn about this thing called freedom. For the first time, I felt like I was in control of my own life and could make decisions free of fear. My choices could either benefit me, or cause unnecessary damage, but they were my own and I could do whatever I wanted. That may sound strange, but let me explain.

I began to understand freedom as this:  I am in control of me.  No one else can control me. Not even God controls me. I control me. I can do whatever I want to do. I can say NO to whatever I don’t want to do. Wait. God isn't in control of me? God doesn't want to make me to do something I don’t want to do? No.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1

God doesn’t want slaves, robots, or puppets. He wants us to be FREE. Jesus came so that we would no longer be under the control of sin and the law. Sin separated us from relationship with Him. The law kept us bound to rules. He broke both and welcomes us into relationship with Him, a relationship of freedom. We are free to walk and align ourselves with Him and make our own choices in life.  The biggest statement I will always remember, "Is what you are doing benefiting you?"- Bill Johnson. So, as I walk in my freedom I ask myself: Why am I doing this and is this benefiting me or the people around me? You definitely have freedom to do many things, but not all freedoms benefit your life.


As I grew in my own personal freedom, I discovered that everyone’s freedom is different. There are things that I feel free to do in my life that others do not, and vice versa. I can go to certain places or listen to specific types of music and be okay; other people cannot. I may be able to drink alcohol, where as someone else knows that it triggers something within them and chooses not to. I also discovered that many Christians judge each other hard when freedom looks different.

Why is there so much judgement when we see someone doing something that we may not feel we can do? I think it boils down to two main reasons.

1. They may not know they have freedom to choose 

Many Christians just do whatever they’ve been told to do in church. And many leaders in church teach rules out of fear.  They feel that if they give people liberty and the freedom to decide what is right for them, that they will make bad choices. 

For example, some churches teach drinking is a sin. In reality, the Bible never says drinking is a sin but it does warn against being drunk. Drinking can cause a lot of problems. But rather than teach people to be powerful, hear from God, and manage themselves, the church tries to control and create a rule that must be followed.  God didn’t make that rule, man did. 

God wants to teach us how to use our freedom.  He does not want to control or give us rules.  Rules put us in a box, and stop our relationship with Him in that area. When the focus of your relationship is connection to God, not keeping rules, you will make choices that protect your connection to Him

2. People may feel that because they cannot do something, no one else should be able to do it either

I call this the "God told me I shouldn't do this, so this applies to everyone" syndrome. This actually goes the other way as well.  God may give us freedom to do something, but that doesn’t mean that everyone should. 

We need to remember that each of us are on our own unique walk with God.  We are all different -- in personality, calling, desires, the way we were raised -- no two people are alike.  As a result, the way we walk with God and the freedom we walk in is different. If I am going or doing something that I have freedom in and some people are coming with me, I always check in to see if they have talked with Holy Spirit and if this is their freedom. 

Here’s an example of my freedom when it comes to nightclubs and dancing:

I always thought something was wrong with me because I loved to go to dancing and loved the night scene. I felt like I couldn't be saved and love Jesus if that was something I wanted to do. I then realized that everything the world has and offers was changed from its original creation. So why does dancing or going out have such a bad connotation?

I learned it is the motives of the heart that determine if something is not good.  Most people’s motivation in the club environment is to satisfy their lusts or numb pain within them. They only think about the now; how many drugs they can do, and which guy/girl they are going to have sex with tonight. My heart was not to get drunk (well.... there was a learning process) or find a hot guy. I wanted to enjoy what my Daddy God created, and bring people into His love along the way. I learned I have a heart for people in that area. I enjoy it is because I want to bring redemption into that community. Being in drunken sexualy-charged environment doesn’t pull on me to be drunk or find the closest man to have sex with.  It tugs on my heartstrings to be a light in a dark place. This is true for me, but for the next person, going out and being in that atmosphere may be something they shouldn’t do.  And that is completely fine. 

In the process of learning freedom, the key is being very self-aware of what is going on inside of your heart. There are some times where I don't go out because I know that my intentions are not in the right place.  Ask yourself what you are feeling and why.  Pay attention to internal desires that would break connection with God.  Notice if God is impressing on you to do or not do something. 

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.” Galatians 5:13

Living in Freedom isn't just an excuse to do certain things and get away with them. It is a lifestyle of connection with God.  You own yourself – your body, your mind, and your emotions.  You understand that you are in control of you, and you get to make your own decisions with the purpose of maintaining connection with God and being the best you that you can be. If you make a mistake, you are responsible for righting your wrongs and cleaning up your messes. There is so much freedom in being your own person with God.

____

I decided to write on this because when I see people that do not walk in their freedom or feel like they have to hide because of other people’s judgment, it makes me angry.  It makes me angry because you can't be alive in your relationship with God and let people, religion, or traditions determine what you should do or how you should do it.  Step out.  Ask yourself why you do certain things and why you do not.  Pay attention to what your heart wants.  Find out why.  Do things that you’ve always dreamed of.  Go, be free!

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.” 2 Corinthians 3:17

Welcome back to life

It feels like it has been years since writting a blog, it almost has been.  To be honest there was a lot of fear as to why it has been so long since I've written. A lot of things have happened in life and I believed many lies as to why I should not write any more, but we can come back to that.  Lets catch up first...

Well, I have moved to Sacramento, California with my sister! I moved from Redding to Sacramento in June 2014 and it has been such an adventure from there. Both good, bad, and worse have happened while being here. When we both moved we had no idea what Sacramento had in store for us. As soon as I moved I started working and quickly realized that my expenses increased. I had to get another job and began to work 18 hour days, four days a week. I worked one job during the day and a security job at night. I would get off from work at 6am and then have to go to my day job at 11am. This was my life for about 4months. No friends, no money, no social life, and no building community was able to happen. I was just surviving. During this time I was trying to figure out what life should look like as well as work on my relationship with my sister who I had not lived with for almost 3 years. Around November things definitely started to turn around. Someone told me about a job opening that was salaried, had full benefits, and was full time. It was an answer to prayers for me. I interviewed and got the job about a week later which was just before my birthday.

 Since then life has drastically changed. I have gotten a new car, new haircut, paid off debt, made amazing friends, and been able to actually thrive. Now that I am breathing again, I am going after the things in my heart. I have uncontrollable desire to be healthy in all areas of life. At the moment I am figuring out what exactly that looks like for myself. I want to be spiritually whole as well physically. With this I have had to realize that I have been believing many lies the past couple of months. When I wrote my blog about pornography I got a lot of feedback, which was great, but it also scared the crap out of me.  I started to believe that my writing was not good enough and what I had to say would be judged. In theses past couple of months I have taken some of these lies by the horns and am destroying them.

"If any situation is not glistening with HOPE, it is a lie."

So welcome to my process of life. Im back. =)

The dirty word...

                     

I was about 8 years old when I was first introduced to Pornography. I was out with a neighborhood friend and we found a magazine in the trash. The magazine had things on it that I had never seen before and didn't fully understand. After some time of thinking about it, I wanted answers. I brought it to my mom. She took it and threw it away and tried to explain what it was. I was applauded for bringing it in but my curiosity wasn't satisfied. I still did not understand exactly what it was, so I began to research. And thus began something that I struggled with until I was 18.

Growing up I was taught that I was worth something and that I should have something to give my husband when I get married. My Virginity. There is so much more to this but this is what I knew at the time. Looking back on who I was during this time; I was the girl in High School that was "Christian" and had good morals and boundaries but wasn't sure why I believed them. My sister explained it to me this way. "I don't want to cross the line but I love to stand on top of it and dance on it." I would not do anything "crazy" but I would put myself in stupid situations or test the boundaries to see how I could push it. I didn't use pornography as something to fuel my lustful desires but I used it to satisfy my sexual appetite because I would not have sex. It honestly was not even about the porn, it was the masturbation. I didn't know how to control my sexual appetite and had no tools to stop. I tried multiple times to stop and it maybe lasted for a couple months but there were "triggers" that would bring it back. It brought so much shame and condemnation. I wanted to be free but had no clue how to be. It wasn't until I brought it into the light that I found my freedom.

When I applied for BSSM ( Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry)  they asked the question of if you have watched or been involved with pornography. For some reason my sister had to fill the application out for me and she needed an answer. As I took forever to respond to her, she reminded me that they have Holy Spirit and I cannot lie. So I told the truth and told her what to put on the application. My sister didn't even confront me on it or say anything about it, probably because she knew forever ago that I was in it, but because I had told someone it literally broke off me! From then on I was able to tell anyone and everyone that I struggled in it and got free. There were times when I would struggle and maybe mess up, but because I had freedom to speak up about it there was accountability to help me stay free. When I was in my first year of school in California they taught on purity and I finally understood everything that I was trying to obtain for all these years.

I know that my life has a call to purity on it. I am 20 years old and am still a virgin and plan to be until married. But just because I am a virgin does not mean I haven't gone through hell to stay one. Knowing what I have and the power of purity is something that most people take for granted. People do not associate a price with purity or there virginity. Because you have fought to keep something that most don't, there is a higher value for it. Even if you have had sex your purity is still valuable, it does not get tarnished you just have to realize its value. Do you think after you have sex that all purity goes away? My purity is not defined by my virginity. If you believe that, then its time to redefine purity for yourself.

Coming out of struggling with porn God has really put the whole Pornography industry and Sex Trafficking on my heart. We are basically fed lust and sex our whole lives and there needs to be a culture shift. That is why I am here. There is going to be a redefining of the current culture and I am going to be involved in allowing people to get there freedom. There are many plans He is placing on the inside of me to go after and see this change. This year I have been getting more hands on and am planning on going on a ministry trip with a group of people to a porn convention. We go just to love on the girls and release the love of the father.  Also I am planning on going to Thailand and Cambodia to help the woman and children there that have been in the Sex Trafficking industry.

This is a vulnerable part of showing you where I am going and where I have come from. What I have learned, is your breakthrough is as far away as you want it. You have to pursue it. Do not be fed the lies we are taught about sexuality. They kill. Know who you are and your worth for yourself. My breakthrough is yours.

The Re-Awakening

Starbucks, a place where dreams come alive. At least for me.

I open my three year old MacBook, to look cool, and search for a station on Spotify that will be conducive to my mood. I pull the strap off my moleskin and flip to the page I was last doodling on. I begin to write. I write what is on my heart, I write what is deep inside that I don't know is there until it comes out through a ball-point pen. It flows out almost like "word vomit." So much yet to slow to catch it all on my page. As it all comes out I start to realize that there is so much for me to do on this earth. Do I have enough time? Can I even accomplish all of these dreams? Will I put a dent in Sex Slavery or Pornography? Can I do this?

Doubt starts to arise as I feel like I have no power over the things I want to accomplish.

How can I do this? 

As soon as the thought, or excuse me the lie,  flutters into my mind I stab it until it is laying dead on the ground…in my mind of course. This kind of thinking, or "stinkn thinkn" as most people refer to, is not permitted to be amongst my hopes and dreams. As I realign my thoughts back to how much I have to do, I remember what Bill Johnson has said before, "If your dreams can be accomplished without God, then your dreams are too small." My dreams are so big that I need God to help me accomplish them. I cannot change the Pornography industry or the Sex Slave realm without him. Literally it is humanely impossible.

As these thoughts sink in to deepest part of my brain and heart I become so pumped. "I am impossible to stop!" I think in my mind as I realize that I have amazing destiny that is being put into action by the one and only, My dad. He already has all the doors and connections I need to be successful in what He has given me.

T.I.A- This is Africa

Africa was amazing!! I had so much fun and got to bond with so many people. This trip changed and wrecked my life.

After 40 hours of traveling by bus, 3 different planes, and a ferry we arrived late in Sierra Leone. The night we came in, we couldn't take our bags with us because of uncontrollable circumstances. When we got to the hotel I found out I'm rooming with my two good friends. The catch was that all 3 of us had to share a king size bed. Not bad I can do that, I love sleeping with people, but people that cannot change their clothes that they have been wearing for 2 days ...not ideal. Thank the lord we actually had Air Conditioning, which I did not expect. During the night all the electricity would go out at random times which caused us to wake up in a pool of our sweat. I'm very thankful we at least had A.C, most of the time.

Our trip was very event packed, so I will just tell of the major things that happened. During week it included a Pastor's Conference, which all the local pastors that we have made connection with come too. I was able to speak about prophetic dance and gave an example by dancing to one of my teammates singing. Afterwards, I had about 7 people come up to me and tell me that what I said completely changed their perspectives on prophetic dancing. They had thought that dancing was not from God and now hearing what I said about it want to start different dance teams or worship dancers in there church. After we finished with the Pastors conference we started going to different villages in town and even went out into the "bush-bush" to go love on people, play with kids, and pray for the sick. We saw so many healing's and people  getting hope where there was none. We also went to the prison, where I got to lay hands and prophesied over almost all of the inmates. It truly was amazing and brought tears to my eyes.

Within the next couple of days some of our team got to go and pray over a very influential mining company, business leaders, and the attorney general of Sierra Leone. We also got to meet the First Lady and the President of Sierra Leone, who I got to dance for. The next day our team split up and we went to 2 different hospitals in the area, one of which my dad was born at (both of my parents were born in Africa, my dad Sierra Leone and my mom Guinea).  It was amazing to go and see where my dad was born. While at the hospital we got to go to the morgue and pray for the dead bodies to come back to life. None of them raised but the fact that we were allowed to do it was amazing. I prayed for some ladies who wanted to get pregnant, and also for people that had malaria. One of the ladies who had been in bed for the past 2 months with malaria jumped up and started walking around the room exclaiming she felt so much better. We saw someone who just had stomach surgery start walking around saying he had no pain. There were many more healings just showing them the power of God and how much he loves them.

We got a free day to go to the beach. It was probably one of the most beautiful beaches I have ever been too. I swam out and back to an island that was a little over a mile away. There were many thoughts saying sharks are gonna eating me, but I did it! The last couple of days were very busy, saying goodbye to people and blessing people of the land. I got to use my leadership that I had learned, spread the word of God, and release Sierra Leone into their destiny. 

I wasn't ready to leave until the last day hit, it was such an amazing trip and changed my perspective of a lot of things. Things that looked big to me, when I got home were so small now. If I ever were called their, I definitely could do it. 

            

        -this is outside the mortuary 

Lets begin with Africa...

Today marks the day when I am going off to Africa on my missions trip. The specific country I am going to is Sierra Leone, Africa. The significance of this place is that my dad was born there. I am super excited for the miracles and testimonies that are going to happen there but mostly excited about my own journey there and what God is going to do through me!

My trip cost $3500 to get there. From the beginning of missions God told me that I was not suppose to put any money towards my missions, that he wanted to show me that he will provide for me anywhere I go. I fundraised and got some money but by the last deadline I still had $1200 left to get. On the last day about 2 hours away from my deadline I received all the money! It was shock but I knew that it was going to happen. It was final, I was officially going to AFRICA!

 With great preparation we are finally off tonight to travel a total of 37 hours with planes, buses, and ferries. I cannot wait to write and tell you about all the exciting things that happened while I'm there! Well goodbye America, this is the first among many trips across the world.

The masked lies and hurts with smiles

Ever since I was young I felt that if I exposed my true thoughts or feelings it was a sign of weakness. Then I realized that it was fear. Fear of being rejected. My family wasn't very open and when I showed my feelings I felt like I would get slapped on the hand like "no we don't share things like that." If that makes sense?

It wasn't until recently that I realized just how guarded I am. I was in my small group (which are 5 girls from my revival group that meet) and the leader started asking questions I had never thought of until then. She asked, "how do you look at leadership at Bethel?"  I answered with - "Im so excited I am to be under someone and ready to be lead." I explained that back at my home church my sister is the assistant youth pastor and I never had someone who was directly over me. I always felt like everyone thought I was just like her. To be under someone was a new experience that I was excited for. The next question was "Have I ever been hurt by leadership or how do I guard myself from being hurt?" Before I could even think about what I was going to say my heart answered for me. "With leadership I always have a guard up so even if they try to hurt me I will never get hurt" ... My mind started freaking out saying why would you ever say that! Then I realized that that was the truth. I never had ever thought about that. Until I said it out loud it didn't become real. The third question that messed me up was, "Is it just with leaders or is it with everyone?" Same thing like before, my mouth started answering before I could even think. I answered "With everyone." My heart kinda dropped thinking that I was going to get looked at weird for being honest. But instead I was looked at with comforting eyes. Like 20 billion layers were torn off just then. I'm thinking how could I ever reveal a piece of my heart like that!! It was clearly Abba tearing off my layers. These are girls I don't really know and it is so hard for me to talk about personal things if I have not built trust with someone. Even then thats hard for me. It was like new revelation to me. Its okay to share my heart and show my heart. Its okay to have feelings and experience them.

I am learning how to guard my heart but be able to be transparent with people.  Its an interesting concept to try to grasp. Love people how abba loves them and forgive the people for the hurt they might not have even done yet. I hope this makes sense.

Most of the time we are told that we can not show feelings or emotions. So we stuff them down on the inside. Jason Vallaton was speaking in class and told a story of how he met a boy who said he could not feel anymore. While this boy was young his father hurt him emotionally and ever since then said he would never feel anything. The boy said that if he was getting beat up in an alley he would not fight back. He justified this by saying "if you fight back then that means you have something to protect, and if you have something to protect then you have feelings." What Jason V. did was say close your eyes and ask the Holy Spirit to show you where you put your feelings. He asked the whole class to do this. I did and Holy spirit showed me a attic with boxes full of crap and dust with spiderwebs all over them. One of the boxes in the very back had the word "feelings" on it. Jason said it was very easy to put the feelings back in place. Ask the Holy spirit, "Please help me put these feelings and emotions back to where they are suppose to be" We did that and as soon as that happened all of these emotions came flooding back. All the anger, sadness, hurt that I stuffed down, to never experience, it all came back.

Your not suppose to stuff your emotions down but to deal with everything thats on the inside. It was amazing and I was able to deal with the things that had been there for years. It was awesome!


I challenge you to ask Holy Spirit where you put your feelings and see what he says. Soooo... yeah I hope you understood what I was trying to say. =)

Some of my amazing roommates

To be shaved, or not?

This past Saturday I successfully went and got half of my hair shaved off.

In highschool I was so intent on shaving a patch of my hair off. I was in ballet so I decided against it, having a bun with a shaved patch is not so cute. While here I saw someone with a small piece of there hair shaved and I fell in love all over again. I didn't want to get my hair shaved to be different or rebel or look cool. I wanted it to mean something. While in class Abba started talking to me about marking myself as I go into this new season, so when people ask why I cut it I can explain fully. With that, I decided to shave it. I made the appointment, looked up styles, up-keep, and how hard it is to grow back. With me doing all of that I started to freak the heck out! The next day I decided there was no way I could do it. I called both of my sisters and asked there advice without telling them what Abba had told me. My sister Rachael replied "you better do it, you will look so hot!!"also saying that in the old testament they used to shave there head as a covenant to God and would let it grow back out when the covenant was over. She said she felt like I was stepping into a new season and to mark myself. It was final. I WAS going to do it. 

Saturday comes and my good friends come with me to do the most drastic thing. Everything was provided for. The hairstylist was amazing, I had good support, didn't break my pockets, and it meant something. Not only for me but to my father.

 Before and After 

My hairstylist was amazing and had awesome pink hair!

Seclusion

       This past week for school, we had to go on a retreat with almost half of the class. It was at a place called JH Ranch. It was 2 hours away from Redding and the drive was beautiful. It was one of the best encounters I have had while being here in California.

       One of my goals here at school is to finally strip away the layers, be transparent. I cover up my emotions and feelings and don't really let people see the real me. While there I had an encounter with my Father that I have never had before. I was completely open. Not like he didn't already know what was going on the inside but it was more letting myself be completely open to him and let him fix or change anything he wanted. I cried like a baby pretty much. It was amazing. That night my RG (Revival Group) pastor spoke. It was a night of healing. Not really physically but emotional. Being hurt from the past, the lies that we were told...everything that has be ingrained in us, it was time to get rid of it. Letting the father tell us how He see's us, how He feels about us. We are his daughters and sons. One of the great activities we did was CROWD SURFING! It was for people that have had any insecuritys in who they were. I didn't feel like I needed to go up, but later I was thinking of how much I love to be in control and so my act of showing Abba that I want him in complete control, I went and crowd surfed. I was not in control, I had people holding my body up and they were in control of where I would go. It was the best thing ever! 

This is just the beginning of this years process. 

(Me and some of the amazing girls in my cabin)