I was about 8 years old when I was first introduced to Pornography. I was out with a neighborhood friend and we found a magazine in the trash. The magazine had things on it that I had never seen before and didn't fully understand. After some time of thinking about it, I wanted answers. I brought it to my mom. She took it and threw it away and tried to explain what it was. I was applauded for bringing it in but my curiosity wasn't satisfied. I still did not understand exactly what it was, so I began to research. And thus began something that I struggled with until I was 18.
Growing up I was taught that I was worth something and that I should have something to give my husband when I get married. My Virginity. There is so much more to this but this is what I knew at the time. Looking back on who I was during this time; I was the girl in High School that was "Christian" and had good morals and boundaries but wasn't sure why I believed them. My sister explained it to me this way. "I don't want to cross the line but I love to stand on top of it and dance on it." I would not do anything "crazy" but I would put myself in stupid situations or test the boundaries to see how I could push it. I didn't use pornography as something to fuel my lustful desires but I used it to satisfy my sexual appetite because I would not have sex. It honestly was not even about the porn, it was the masturbation. I didn't know how to control my sexual appetite and had no tools to stop. I tried multiple times to stop and it maybe lasted for a couple months but there were "triggers" that would bring it back. It brought so much shame and condemnation. I wanted to be free but had no clue how to be. It wasn't until I brought it into the light that I found my freedom.
When I applied for BSSM ( Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry) they asked the question of if you have watched or been involved with pornography. For some reason my sister had to fill the application out for me and she needed an answer. As I took forever to respond to her, she reminded me that they have Holy Spirit and I cannot lie. So I told the truth and told her what to put on the application. My sister didn't even confront me on it or say anything about it, probably because she knew forever ago that I was in it, but because I had told someone it literally broke off me! From then on I was able to tell anyone and everyone that I struggled in it and got free. There were times when I would struggle and maybe mess up, but because I had freedom to speak up about it there was accountability to help me stay free. When I was in my first year of school in California they taught on purity and I finally understood everything that I was trying to obtain for all these years.
I know that my life has a call to purity on it. I am 20 years old and am still a virgin and plan to be until married. But just because I am a virgin does not mean I haven't gone through hell to stay one. Knowing what I have and the power of purity is something that most people take for granted. People do not associate a price with purity or there virginity. Because you have fought to keep something that most don't, there is a higher value for it. Even if you have had sex your purity is still valuable, it does not get
Coming out of struggling with porn God has really put the whole Pornography industry and Sex Trafficking on my heart. We are basically fed lust and sex our whole lives and there needs to be a culture shift. That is why I am here. There is going to be a redefining of the current culture and I am going to be involved in allowing people to get there freedom. There are many plans He is placing on the inside of me to go after and see this change. This year I have been getting more hands on and am planning on going on a ministry trip with a group of people to a porn convention. We go just to love on the girls and release the love of the father. Also I am planning on going to Thailand and Cambodia to help the woman and children there that have been in the Sex Trafficking industry.
This is a vulnerable part of showing you where I am going and where I have come from. What I have learned, is your breakthrough is as far away as you want it. You have to pursue it. Do not be fed the lies we are taught about sexuality. They kill. Know who you are and your worth for yourself. My breakthrough is yours.
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